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I call BS! You did not initiate the harm, you did not choose to harm, but you can be affected by it.Don’t allow anyone to tell you to get over it or to lighten up. I remembered later that it stands for mid life crisis, but before that I came up with these:Does anyone else have alternative meanings for the acronym MLC?Those are pretty much on point. Once I was betrayed, I couldn’t leave if I wanted to.
Divorced or not, alone or with him, reconciled and moving forward or living with the status quo you can find happiness. But he felt needed by her and he was going to rescue her from her miserable life. It’s sad what he did to us. I get it.
Similar to the way Stockholm Syndrome manifests, the abuse victim bonds with his or her abuser as both the source of terror and comfort in an attempt to survive the tumultuous relationship. He also sent her photos of our children. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. We had a honeymoon baby. So I look at him as the hurt one the one with the problem.
I think I am getting it. But most importantly, he’s a coward for not facing himself. I have no tattoos. All of a sudden when I would question myself and look back everything was clear. Doesn’t mean the wife still wants him back. Good for you for recognizing it. That is how delusional my H was.
I think my issue is not so much the affair but his continued lying after it all came out. Many friends tell me to divorce him and find someone who can make me happy. He really doesn’t deserve it… he probably never did. But that too will pass. Clinicians call this traumatic bonding. It could be that his MLC had him so screwed up he is acting crazy. At the end of the summer I had a frank and direct conversation with my H about us splitting up.
I suggest you find AA/Al Anon/CODA and lots of therapy and stop using married men and abusing marriages to get your old wounds healed. I carried him along the recovery path. But I do believe that more stiff penalties should be in place.I believe that infidelity has lost seriousness in our culture and that is a very grave thing for both marriages and society as a whole. It’s time to pursue another course for my life and put this dysfunctional relationship behind me.Fascinating article, Sarah. He leaves you, comes back, etc.
Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so. Like that solves anything. Though I do remember the feeling of wanting to leave, but being unable to financially, I also needed my spouse to soothe the pain he kept creating on a daily basis and the utter frustration of not being able to stop him from what he was doing. For so many reasons your Life is better than his. Not rich. Great healing and strengthened marriages can come from affairs for BOTH partners.Hi angela… wondering where you are at and how you are feeling these days. He was more vile than ever … I just wanted to share this with you because I think it is best to repair a marriage because you really do have a foundation that you can build up from and you can even create a new marriage if you’re has been is willing it’s gonna take a lot of work we are still working on it it’s very hard but I know I would never ever want to try again hell no it was pure hell the affairI was talking in my phone on the first response and it did not transmit correcctly. There is always some form of danger or risk.”Intermittent reinforcement (in the context of psychological abuse) is a pattern of cruel, callous treatment mixed in with random bursts of affection. Despite his wife knowing, he would pop up every 3 months or so. I was so close to divorcing him thinking of my rules… my child of course was suffering so I decided to swallow my pride to keep the peace I eventually rugswept it. No one can live life based on the validation or love of others.
I need this time to find myself again and figure out why I have been okay with such poor treatment.
Think of the violent husband who gives his wife flowers after assaulting her, or the kind words an abusive mother gives to her child after a particularly harsh silent treatment.Intermittent reinforcement causes the victim to perpetually seek the abuser’s approval while settling for the crumbs of their occasional positive behavior, in the hopes that the abuser will return to the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others.” (8)When an affair occurs, it is often found that a woman (or man) will have two very extreme feelings co-existing: the hate and revulsion toward the betrayer, which causes her/him to want to distance herself/himself from the betrayer, and then the opposing need — the compulsive need to simultaneously draw close to the betrayer.In the case of a female betrayed spouse, she wants to escape Such is the paradox of the affair—the person who causes you the most harm is also Betrayal (trauma) bonds are extremely illogical and there is no reconciliation between the two opposing feelings.As the betrayed, you may want to leave your spouse, but the bond caused specifically by the betrayer keeps you locked in. And a cheater (in my mind) may appear to love themselves but it is all a facade. Does that make it right for her to go after someone else’s husband or boyfriend? Sorry he doesn’t see what he is giving up.Thanks FirstWife – I don’t think he does see it. But she is very manipulative, vindictive and jealous. It is relationship built on lies. Once I found the text before my birthday I realized that my suspicions earlier that year were correct.This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person.©2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey.
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